Experiencing Mama y Papa from a Safe PlaceJun 19, 2023
When I started to do karmic energy healing work with my mom and my dad, within a few months, I started to notice a few changes - my mom, especially. I noticed that my mom slowly took on some of the traits that I felt and sensed when working with her soul or Higher Self. I noticed she was softer, easier to talk to you, and I even experienced some of he inner-child. What I mean by that is, I started to see her smile, her laughter, and her sense of joy coming from her. But as I sit here today, sipping my coffee, I wonder if it was always there, but I was just too angry and stuck in unprocessed resentment to even notice?
What if she always had the sense of joy, warmth, and love to share with me, but I just didn't let her? Looking back at how I carried my anger, I refer to myself as a "porcupine". Imagine how difficult it is to hug, snuggle, or connect with a porcupine? That was me! I was so angry! Being so caught up in my anger and grief from my childhood, and how my parents each played a role in my pain; I began carrying myself like a prickly pear, a cactus, a porcupine. I see that now. Took me a long while to accept that this was my role in keeping the wound unhealed.
I know that there is always work to be done. There are times that my mom does refer back to some of her toxic traits, but it's not towards me. I see it towards others, and it's still very difficult to witness it. But I know now how to care for myself, soothe my inner child, and create necessary boundaries so that I am impacted or sucked back it into that negative spiral. That is still her own healing to do, and I respect her path, her timing, and where she is today.
I wish I could say the same for my Father's present self. We do not have a relationship, no communication, whatsoever. Therefore, I have no context for understanding where he is emotionally, spiritually, or psychologically, today. I mostly spend time with his Higher Self/Soul. But I would like to believe that through this work, he is being positively impacted as well. I hope he is happy. I hope he is thriving. I pray he is a better father to his younger children than he could be to me.
I have since released him of any emotional debt or resentment I carried against him. I don't expect, or require an apology from him anymore. I don't expect him to "pay back" all the years of missed opportunities to be a good father to me. I have come to reconcile that he simply could not, or was not meant to be my "dad". He was not equipped with the tools or understanding to step into a safe, masculine, paternal energy for the children he helped make during my childhood. I also understand addiction way more now than I did before. And I realize that his addiction really contributed to his inability to be a good man, husband, and father.
This shift in consciousness was something I never thought I could achieve! I thought I was meant to walk the Earth holding in all of this anger and carrying the title of "Daddy-less Daughter" or "Unlovable Daughter". But that is not my title of choice. We can drop those stories, those titles, and those identities when we lean into the difficult path of healing. We get to rebirth ourselves and determine who we are going to be moving forward.
I am a Divine feminine mother/wife/sister/daughter/friend, medicine keeper, spiritual mentor, life coach, and sacred space holder.
What about you? Who are you today, and who would you like to become once you address the painful wounds of your past?