Healing my Avoidant Attachment Style by Co-CreatingJul 10, 2022
I haven't blogged in quite some time. I have spent most of my creative energy in content creation (social media and digital e-book content), community engagement, and our new retreats #ReturnToMadre. I just wasn't inspired to write whether on my laptop or my journal, and I am not one to force myself into a creative outlet unless it feels aligned.
Well, today, I am eager to share something that has come to my attention in recent weeks. I am just now starting to heal my Avoidant-Insecure attachment style, thanks to our #ReturnToMadre retreats. In recent months, I have learned to embody the term "Co-Creation/Co-Create". This simple term allowed me to regulate my nervous system and implement its use in replacement of terms like:
- Ask for help
- Seek assistance
These terms above are normal and OK to be used by many, but for me - these phrases above caused me so much anxiety due to the Avoidant-Insecure Attachment style that I've developed from childhood. I learned early on in life, that I could not turn to my mom for help, support or understanding. She was going through a lot when I was growing up; single mom with a busy corporate career, struggling in romantic relationships, and focused on her troubled teenage son (my addict brother, David). So, very little time and energy was available to me and my needs, but I was always expected to help her run the household and look after my younger brothers.
I knew she wasn't "my person" to run to when I was in distress, and that message was cemented into my psyche the day she kicked me out of her home when I was 19 years old. I didn't approve of her boyfriend at the time, a man who was no good for her and whom I did not feel safe around my brothers and I - so she purposely ended the lease on the 3-bedroom apartment we were living in at the time, and signed a lease on a 2-bedroom house instead. She then sat me down and told me, "We are moving into a 2-bedroom house, and there's no room for you there so you'll have to figure something out." It hurt. I cried. Then I wiped my tears and started to look for a place to stay.
The feeling in my body of fear, abandonment, rage and grief all fueled a desire inside of me to make it, to survive and to show the world (especially my mother) that I don't need anyone's help. I can do it on my own. Watch me. I ended up renting a room from a co-worker for about eight months, then my boyfriend (who's now my husband) and I moved into an apartment together. I never looked back. I took this same energy into my career, my academics, and into my personal life. It has helped me get to where I am now, but the journey has been lonely at times. Not being able to trust someone to help me, out of a genuine desire to help me, has been hard. Over the years, only two people in my life come to mind as those who are solid loved ones that have been there when I needed them: my husband, Mark and my comadre/BFF, Steph.
That was until I decided to start hosting Healed Hijas™ retreats again! Having hosted an overnight event previously, where I was the sole facilitator, I knew that bringing up help would be best for my mental health and would elevate the experience of the womxn who attended these events. So, I put out a post in a community FB group asking for recommendations for an event coordinator. I connected with two ladies who responded to that post, and the journey of healing my attachment style began. Behind the scenes, I had been manifesting and calling in "conscious co-creators" - womxn that I can create, actualize, and grow with. I not only wanted womxn who could help me plan and execute these events, but I was calling in divine sisterhood/friendships. I wanted more than to just "outsource" or "ask for help"...I wanted womxn who would share in the inspired vision I have for these events, and be able to celebrate and support us as these events grow.
Within a few weeks, I had connected with and hired our Conscious Event Coordinator, Rebecca. And after sharing my vision for #ReturnToMadre, we were able to bring in co-facilitators Rita and Sofia. Rebecca was able to take on most of the logistical and digital needs of creating the event, while Rita and Sofia brought in their medicine to add to the agenda. We were co-creating! And I love co-creating with womxn who are aligned in serving and sharing their medicine, while consistently working on themselves at the same time. The first event was amazing! It was executed beautifully, and since them we have a growing waitlist of womxn who want to come to the next one (happening in late August 2022). Both before and after the event, I took a deep breathe of relief and gratitude, as I was there being supported by sisters who had agreed to be on this journey with me. They believed in my vision enough to co-create it with me. My dear friend Sofia flew to L.A. all the way from Columbia! So I knew in my heart, this event was worth the time, energy and intent behind it.
I am so grateful to the Creator/Universe/Spirit for bringing us all together, and responding to my manifestation. It was the first time, in a very long time that I didn't feel like I was a burden on someone, or inconveniencing them when I "asked for help". My mind usually goes to that place:
"They are busy with their own lives and don't have time to help me."
"They probably won't put in too much of an effort and I'm just going to end up disappointed. Better just do it myself."
"If I ask for help, it just means I can't do this all on my own...and I'm a fraud."
But, thanks to the term "Co-Create", I am healing from this avoidant/insecure thought pattern and feeling comfortable in leaning on my fellow co-creators/sisters to schedule, execute and facilitate these events. I trust the Universe to continue growing our roster of Co-Creators so that we can add their medicine into these events going forward. The possibilities are endless and I don't have to do it alone. I can feel at ease and in flow with co-creation. I am worthy of being partnered with. My energy attracts womxn, clients, attendees and opportunities that are in alignment with this co-creative source.
I want to thank Rebecca, Rita and Sofia for playing an important role in my own healing. I also want to thank my clients, retreat attendees, customers and community members for supporting me and my business along the way.
May we continue to grow and co-create the new realities we desire for ourselves as we ascend into new versions of our healing.